


Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith: The Beach Episode

by UglyTurnip



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Homoeroticism, M/M, Memes, Parody, Sad Ending, What Have I Done, don’t take this seriously, ironic, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 09:46:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21177395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UglyTurnip/pseuds/UglyTurnip
Summary: Obi-Wan and Grievous find common ground while basking in the rays of Beechplannett.





	Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith: The Beach Episode

**Author's Note:**

> God should have killed me before I had the chance to write this.

"Ahhhh," Grevious sighed to himself as he leaned back in his beach chair. "This is the life I have been missing."

The General, accompanied by a small platoon of battle droids, relaxed for the first time in weeks. It seemed that the Clone Wars had brought sorrow after sorrow, lately. His master plan to kidnap Palpatine had resulted in unabashed failure, his most-trusted companion, Count Dooku, had been slain by Skywalker, and his beloved ship, _The Invisible Hand, _was no more. If morale could plummet further than it already had, Grievous would be astounded.

He had to hide away for a while, regroup and revitalize his forces, and then strike once more. It came down to two planets: Utapau and Beechplannett. The choice was obvious. After all, Beechplannett had splendid beaches, hence the name.

And now, he was relaxing, allowing himself some sort of respite from the troubles of this war.

Suddenly, without the slightest hint of warning, a figure emerged from beneath the deep blue. His body, muscular and perfectly chiseled, was unlike anything Grievous had ever seen. Droplets of water cascaded down his pecs as he waded his way out of the water. It wasn't until he stood on dry land once more that Grievous recognized the face.

He scowled. The man only smiled back. Why had he come here!? Could he not allow Grievous even a single day of respite!? If it was a fight he wanted, then he would get a fight that would be more than anyone bargained for!

"Kenobi," Grievous growled. "What are you doing here?"

Obi-Wan did not reply with any vocalization. Instead, he merely winked. That caused Grievous's heart to skip. Stupid handsome Obi-Wan!

His platoon of B1 Battle Droids, completely robotic and ultimately undeterred by rugged handsomeness, took aim at Obi-Wan.

In spite of the immediate threat of annihilation he found himself juxtaposed against, Obi-Wan couldn't help but flash a sly, cocksure grin. His teeth, pearly white and straight as can be, only served to captivate Grievous further.

"Hello there," Obi-Wan greeted seductively, crossing the sandy beach with confident, firm steps as he made his way toward Grievous. He didn't get too far, however, as one of the battle droids quickly fired a single blaster shot. The bolt smacked harshly into a tiny dune just ahead of Obi-Wan, sending specks of white sand flying in all directions. Kenobi's strides came to an abrupt end, but his smile? His smile remained.

"That's close enough, Jedi," the battle droid warned. "One more step and we'll blast you to smithereens!"

It was a legitimate threat, so Obi-Wan remained still. Grievous, however, raised a metallic finger toward the daring droid. His yellow eyes glinted with disapproval.

"Back away!" he bellowed. "I will deal with this Jedi slime myself!"

"Your move," Obi-Wan offered, giving Grievous a playful wink.

Grievous couldn't hold himself back anymore. Rising to feet, he threw off his beach towel, revealing a massive set of metallic chiseled abs, perfect armor-plated pecs, and his own mischievous smile. He laughed, a deep-throated, cough-like noise, before drawing four lightsabers from out of his swimming trunks.

"General Kenobi," Grievous began, circling his most resilient, persistent foe. "You _are_ a bold one."

Something began to drip down from Obi-Wan's forehead. Whether it was sea-water or anxious sweat, Grievous could not say. For all he knew, Obi-Wan could have planned this encounter from the begging inning. There was still that damn smile, ever-present, arrogant, and infuriating, on his face.

So Grievous matched it. His arms, the wiry thin things they were, somehow managed to split even thinner. Taking a lightsaber in each hand, Grievous ignited all four of them.

For the first time since he emerged from the ocean, Obi-Wan frowned. It did not go unnoticed.

"Come here, Jedi," Grievous commanded in a baleful tone. "I have long-awaited crossing sabers with you once more."

Obi-Wan merely shook his head. "You misunderstand my intentions, General. I have not come looking for a fight."

Grievous was visibly taken aback. Nevertheless, his lightsabers remained ignited. "Then _why _have you come here at all, Jedi?"

Obi-Wan's smile morphed into something more innocent, more heartfelt. In a way, it was like he was revealing a layer of vulnerability for the first time. Something about that touched Grievous in a way he had never felt with anyone. Maybe he was telling the truth, after all.

Before Obi-Wan had a chance to speak, about two dozen more figures arose from the ocean. Clad in nothing but identical clone trooper helmets and white bikinis, a platoon of she-clones giggled amongst themselves as they began to splash each other. It resulted in a massive free-for-all splashfight. Judging by the good-natured giggles the throng emitted, however, it was all in pleasant fun.

"I have come for a beach party," Obi-Wan admitted at last, gesturing amongst his newfound scantily-clad comrades.

One of the battle droids lowered his blaster and began to dab ferociously. "A beach party!?" he inquired excitedly, reaching into Grievous's pool bag to yank out a pair of Incom Corporation sunglasses. "Roger Roger!"

"Quiet, you!" Grievous bellowed, snatching the sunglasses off the droid. "And give me those!"

"So, what do you have to say about the proposal?" Obi-Wan pressed. There was an expectant, hopeful look in his eyes. Those wonderful eyes. How could Grievous say no to them? He couldn't. He shouldn't.

He didn't.

"A beach party it is!" Grevious declared happily, his maleficent tone replaced with something more optimistic. "Droids, set up a volleyball court!"

"Roger Roger!"

And so, a great volleyball game commenced between Obi-Wan's Bikini Battalion and Grievous's Muscular Magnaguards. Though it was a rather close match, the Bikini Battalion ultimately defeated the Muscular Magnaguards 10-8. It didn't hurt that they were kinda. . . distracting the magnaguards. Should Grievous have been outraged by defeat? Perhaps. Regardless, he found that he was actually rather happy. In fact, he hadn't been this happy since he was a wee Kaleeshi boy so many year ago. He had been consumed by hatred all of his life, but now? Now, he had friendship!

After the game ended, the Magnaguards began to pump iron in full sight of the she-clones. Though their robotic abs were just for show, all plating and no ability, they found themselves surrounded by the swoons of their former sworn enemies. Everyone was happy. For a little while, just a brief, fleeting day, there was no talk of the Clone Wars. Instead, Obi-Wan and Grievous found themselves watching the two suns set in the west. Clone troopers and battle droids played and waded in the waters in front of them, forging friendships and exterminating pitiful prejudices at the same time.

"Thank you for coming, Kenobi," Grievous finally admitted. Obi-Wan was unable to see it, but there was a geniunely warm smile underneath Grievous's cyborg augmentations. The two of them locked eyes for a moment, and they found themselves breathless.

"No problem," Obi-Wan finally replied, but only after averting his gaze. Could he do it? Should he do it? He swallowed. Uncertainty plagued his thoughts.

"Grievous?" he asked, taking a tube of sunscreen out of his bag. "Can I. . . Can I rub this on your back?"

Grievous glanced down at his armor plating. It was enough to protect him from any UV damage the stars on the horizon were capable of radiating. Nevertheless, he nodded, for there was something about rubbing sunscreen on someone's back that signaled closeness.

"Sure, Kenobi."

Flipping himself over, Grievous stretched himself out on his beach chair. He waited and waited, at last feeling Obi-Wan's hands on his. . .

Chest?

He was tugging!

Tugging tight!

Grievous had no time to react. In an instant, Obi-Wan tore off the armor plating Grievous wore, exposing his organ sack to the entire world.

"Kenobi! You vile traitor!" Grievous spat loudly.

"Now, clones!" Obi-Wan desperately bellowed. In an instant, they drew blasters from their bikini bottoms, opening fire on Grievous's chest. One struck. igniting Grievous's chest in an instant. Grievous clutched at it, hollowing in pain. He glanced back at Obi-Wan, and there was something both expected and unexpected glimmering in his eyes.

Hurt. Genuine hurt. It tore at Obi-Wan's heart, but he knew he did the right thing. Time seemed to stand still. They could have locked eyes underneath orange skies for a millisecond or an eternity. Obi-Wan wasn't quite sure which was closer.

"I'm sorry," Obi-Wan muttered, knowing it wouldn't do any good. "I'm so sorry."

Before Grievous could answer, another blaster shot hit him the chest once more. He shrieked as his eyes burst into flame. An explosion rocketed through every oriface of his body, and finally, he collapsed onto the sand. He made no more movement, no more noise. He was gone.

The droids tried to fight back, tried to shoot at Obi-Wan, but Kenobi sensed their shots before they even left their blasters. Igniting his blade, he backflipped into the waters behind them, cutting a couple down. The clones quickly dispatched the rest. The battle could not have lasted longer than 20 seconds.

And then there was silence, a long, uncomfortable, contemptible silence. The only audible noise was the gentle lapping of waves against the shore. The clones glanced down, then at the dusky skies above. Consciously, they knew the war was over. Even then, Obi-Wan supposed that they needed a moment to breathe it all in.

"It's over," one of the clones muttered at last. "It's all over."

"Indeed, it is," Obi-Wan replied, glancing at Grievous's ruined corpse. He could still faintly smell the horrific scent of burnt flesh.

"But at what cost?"

A clone put her hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder. "You did what you had to do sir, there's no shame in it.

"I know," Obi-Wan swallowed, then glanced at the clone's blaster. Taking it in his hand, he examined the brutal weapon. He hated it. It may have served its exact purpose, but he still wanted nothing more than to destroy it right then and there.

"So uncivilized," he commented, tossing the blaster into the sea. The clone made no effort to retrieve it, for she held similar sentiments.

"Come," Obi-Wan commanded to the troopers. "Let's head back to Coruscant for a debriefing."

Some of the clones obeyed without question, yet others hesitated. They saw the fallen frames of battle droids all around them, a sight they had grown quite used to. What one could never quite familiarize themselves with, however, was the sight of a fallen friend. That was what many of them saw, even the ones that had obeyed. Nevertheless, as an LAAT touched down on the island, even the ones that had hesitated began to follow.

* * *

**Haha don't worry guys the homoerotic content is only ironic haha I'm totally a straight male hehehehe.**


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